The Official Joke Thread

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become an automobile mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with great skill.


When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."


The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. "You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."


After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the tail pipe, which I've never seen done in my entire career.

An eye-doctor was having his 40th birthday, and gathered lots
of friends and family in his house. His wife had made him a
surprise cake, and led her husband blindfolded to a table where
the cake was placed.

Eagerly the doctor removed and looked down on the cake, and
immediately burst into a crazed laughter, for there in front of
him was a huge cake, with 40 marzipan eyes!

The guest, asked him why he laughed, and after some minutes
of laughing and whipping his eyes, the doctor said:

"I'm just thinking of my buddy who will be 50 next week, who is
a gynecologist!"

Yo momma so fat that she ate all the food in the fridge/freezer in one sitting and then she was still hungry and ate the fridge/freezer.

I made that one up on the spot.

AAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

once an ant farted, its ass flew away...

thats my dads creation so dont ask...

^ lol

----

This overly endowed guy says to his Doctor, "Doc, I've b-b-been st-st-st-stuttering for y-y-years, and I c-c-c-can't st-st-stand it anymore! Can you h-h-h-help me?" The doc says he'll see what he can do and puts him through the whole battery of tests; GI series, brain scans, etc. After all that is over says he thinks he knows what's causing the patient's stuttering. The guy excitedly asks, "Well, wh-wh-what is it, d-d-d-Doc?"

The doctor replies, "Well, I know this sounds crazy, but you have an unusually large penis. It's a foot long. It seems its weight is putting a strain on your vocal cords that most men don't have to deal with. The only cure I know of is to remove it and transplant a shorter one."

The patient thinks for just a moment, and says, "OK! Do it." So he goes through with the operation, and 3 weeks later comes back for a follow-up appointment.

He says, "Doctor, you surely cured my stuttering problem and I don't know how to thank you. But I've only had sex once since then, and my wife really doesn't like this shorter penis. In fact she's making life hell. So, I've thought about it, and decided I can out up with the stuttering easier than going without sex. I want you to put my long one back on!"

The doc says, "N-n-n-nope,. A d-d-d-deal's a d-d-d-deal"
--

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA that was awesome

Three nuns went to a cucumber stand in an open market one day.

They asked how much the cucumbers were. The merchant said that they were four for a dollar.

The nuns said agreed to purchase Four.

The puzzled merchant asked why they needed four cucumbers when there were only three of them.

A nun answered back, "Well, we could always eat one."

O_O..................................................

A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening. She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents.

He has a bad case of gas and really needs to releive some pressure.

Luckly, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it.

He farts, and the woman yells, "Spot, get down from there."

The guy thinks, "Great, they think the dog did it." He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down.

This goes on for a couple more farts. Finally the woman yells, "Dammit Spot, get down before he shits on you."

One day a twelve-year-old walks into a house of ill-repute dragging a dead frog on a string behind him, he slaps a hundred-dollar bill on the counter and says, "I want one of your women." The madam looks at him and says "Don't you think you're a bit young for that?" He slaps another hundred on the counter and says, "I want one of your women."

The madam says "okay, have a seat, she'll be down in about thirty minutes." He slaps another hundred on the counter and says, "she has to have active herpes." The madam starts to sputter and ask why, but he slaps another hundred on the counter and says "active herpes." She responds, "okay, have a seat- it'll be about five minutes."

Two minutes later, a woman comes out, they go upstairs (dragging this dead frog) and do their deal... As he's leaving, the madam asks him "okay, why did you want someone with active herpes?" The twelve-year-old replies... When I get home, I'm going to sleep with the baby-sitter, and when mom and dad get home, dad will take the baby-sitter to her home and sleep with her on the way. Then, when he gets back, he and mom are going to go upstairs and do it. And tomorrow morning after dad goes to work, the milkman will come in and mom will sleep with him, and he's the bastard that ran over my frog.

A rabbi, a monk, a priest and a buddhist dude enter a gay bar... they all get smashed beyond recognition. They all start fighting like it's a battle royal in wrasslin' and then cops come in and start shooting them in the knee caps.

Umm... yeah, that's a joke I made up on the spot.

Well ya know, I don't want to copy and paste jokes that I have found. Better to come up with some on your own, hehe.

I got another one for y'all.

One day there was a bunch of 3 Stooges fanatics in a hall. They all imitated and emulated Curly, Larry and Moe's antics found in the old films. Then one imitates Shemp and Curly Joe. A big explosion of cussing and disagreement amongst the fans erupted. They just shook their heads in dismay by the end of the day. Then one fan says, FU, Shemp is much better than you all combined. The end.

Graveworm is black metal.

LOL

Maybe you should go hang out with Mess.

He's over right now actually.

goose wrote:

He's over right now actually.

That's great..Have fun...

One time... Mess came over my house, he was making a mess in my room and stuff. He was saying "yeash" half the time, cause he drank some 40 ouncers from the fridge magically. How? I dunno, I don't have any 40 oz. drinks in my household!

In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female (freshman) raised her hand and asked "If I understand, you're saying there is as much glucose in male semen as there is in sugar?"

"That's correct", responded the professor, going on to add statistical info.

Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of he class.... Never to return.

However, as she was going out the door, the professor's reply was classic... Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of the tongue and not in the back of the throat".

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

One day, a father and son go camping and when they get there, the son's dad starts to smoke. "Can i have some, daddy?" asked the son. "Can your dick reach your ass" asked the dad. "Nooo" said the son. "Then you can't have any!"

Later that night, the dad starts to drink beer. "Can i have some, daddy?" asked the son. "Can your dick reach your ass" asked the dad. "Nooo" said the son. "Then you can't have any!"

The next day, the father and son go to the store, the son buys a lotery ticket and wins a million dollers. "Can you share that with me?" asked the dad. "Can your dick reach your ass" asked the kid. "Yes! Yes, it can!" yelled the dad. "Well then, go fuck your self!"


XP i wish i could do that with my dad...

What is the difference between acne and a catholic priest?

-Acne doesn't come to the face of a young boy until teenage.