The Official Joke Thread

Twin brothers were named Joe and John, Joe was the owner of an old dilapidated boat. It happened that John's wife died the same day that Joe's boat sank.

A few days later a kindly old lady met Joe on the street mistaking him for John, she said to him, "I'm sorry for your loss, you must feel terrible".

Joe said, "Oh hell no, fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning, her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like dead fish. She was always losing water, had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front which got bigger every time I used her.

She leaked like crazy and it was difficult to keep her upright. But what really finished her off was when four tough guys rented her for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't any good, but they all wanted to have a go with her anyhow. The damn fools all tried to get on her at the same time and it was just too much for the old girl, while they were trying to get into their various positions she split up the middle".

The old woman fainted.

LMFAO THAT WAS KILLER...i pity the woman...

Well, I just thought I would share with you an image I found, that describes my feelings on the matter oh so well.



The moral? I need to listen to some Mastodon now...

Hey dude, I moved this to the Joke thread.

Heat

Oh, I didn't see anywhere else to put it. By all things logical that comic shouldn't make me laugh and yet it does...

Haha, yeah...I agree...But it is funny...

What did Abraham Lincoln say after two weeks of heavy drinking?
-"Say again, excatly WHO did I release?"


A young priest was having his first time in front of the whole church and he was pretty nervous about it. The elder colleague gave him an advice to easen the stress.
"Before the ceremony, add a drop of vodka into the glass of communion-wine. The young priest naturally misunderstood and added a drop of wine into a glass of vodka. After the ceremony, the elder priest had left him a feedback-letter:

Dear brother:

-Nex time, you add a drop of vodka into the wine glass, not the opposite, I'd like to make the following notes about your ceremony:

-There's no use in putting a slice of lemon into the communion-wine.
-That little booth besides the altar is not a toilet.
-There were twelve apostles, no seven and none of them were a dwarf.
-We don't refer to Judas as a 'fucking rat'.
-The sinners go to hell, not to 'horse's fuck'.
-The person, who you referred as a fat, bald transvestite in a skirt, that was ME.

I hope you will fix these errors in the next week's sermon.


How do you get rid of cellulitis?
-Take a week off and go to a drunken journey with the guys, when you come back home, the cellulitis has surely left the house for good.

Örp.

^^ Lol
----
The Missionary

A missionary is sent into deepest darkest depths of Africa to live with a tribe. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and good Christian values. One thing he particularly stresses is the evil of sexual sin. "Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!"

One day the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white baby. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary. "You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man who has ever set foot in our village. Anyone can see what's going on here!"

The missionary replies, "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence - what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief pauses for a moment then says, "Tell you what, you don't say anything about the sheep, I won't say anything about the white baby."

A man walks in to a bar and asks the bartender for five shots of whiskey. The bartender gives him the shots and asks, "What's the celebration, son?" in a cheerful manner. The man replies, "My first blowjob". The bartender laughs and says, "You lucky bastard, here's another shot on the house" and pours him another shot. The man looks up and replies, "Thanks, but it still won't get the taste of cock out of my mouth".

Ok, I have a great one:


What's pink and fluffy?


Pink Fluff!



What's Blue and fluffy?





Pink fluff holding it's breath!!!

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!